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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23238058">Demon</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NU'EST</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Aron needs a hug, College AU, Crying, Fluff, Happy Ending, Like really stupid, M/M, Sexual Content, This is pretty angsty, aron is just really sad idk how else to describe it, everyone give aron a hug, im sorry, minhyun is stupid, you would kinda hate him</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 13:54:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,188</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23238058</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He thinks back to the summer, when school hadn’t started yet. He thinks of tan skin, of full lips and brown hair. He thinks of Minhyun’s penetrating gaze and the sea air. He thinks that he is looking for something. Something he will never find.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hwang Minhyun/Aaron Kwak | Aron</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>55</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. one: don't think too much</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/TomorrowTakesForever/gifts">TomorrowTakesForever</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>yes ichi i wrote a fic for u</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The cafe is terribly quiet. Considering the time of day and the area of the city he’s in, this isn’t necessarily unusual, but it’s New York we’re talking about. The sky is gray and cloudy, and the gas station outside is empty. A single car passes by, disrupting the silence, but it’s gone in less than a second, returning the scene back to the equilibrium it is meant to be.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Aaron Kwak sits next to the window at one of the rickety wooden tables, his silhouette barely visible through the extremely poor lighting in the cafe. He’s basking in the silence and letting himself exist in time as a solid fragment of the universe. He likes to remind himself that he can limit himself to that sometimes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You think too much,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he tells himself. The black coffee next to him sits, almost neglected. His </span>
  <em>
    <span>Things Fall Apart</span>
  </em>
  <span> paper was finished an hour ago. Yet he continues to sit in the cafe, letting his black coffee get cold. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The girl at the counter pays him no mind, too absorbed in her own schoolwork to care. As long as she doesn’t tell Aron to leave, he won’t snitch on her to the manager. They’ve made a silent deal. As she hides her Spanish homework beneath the counter, he stares at the gas station across the street.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He blinks, and suddenly he’s back in LA again. He’s sitting inside a store and staring at a gas station across the street. The sky is gray and cloudy. Another car passes by and he’s suddenly reminded that this is uptown Manhattan, not his hometown.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His eyes become cloudy, and he convinces himself that it’s because he’s fatigued from working on an 8 AM submission for his side job. He looks away from the window and begins to throw everything into his tote bag. He glances at the coffee, before sighing and tossing it out in the trash. It’s good coffee. But he doesn’t like coffee.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The cold hits his cheeks as soon as he walks out. It seems to seep through the gaps in his sweater and envelope him. He’s sick of this, and he sticks his hands in his pockets. But they don’t stay there for long, his phone buzzes the repeating sounds of an incoming call.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ugh, what do you want?” he mutters, pouting and pulling out his phone. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The phone screen flashes with the contact name. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Alex.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aaron is tempted to yell, </span>
  <em>
    <span>what the fuck do you want?!</span>
  </em>
  <span> into the phone, but he opts for a simple, “Hello?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I read your recent submission. Just so you know, it’s going into Featured, because the teenage girls will go crazy over it. You’ll see the money in your account by Sunday,” says the person over the phone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Aaron’s eyebrow’s furrow a little, his eyes staring into space. “Oh, that’s wonderful. I’m really glad to hear that… but I have to go. I’m in the middle of something.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay. Have a nic—”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t get to finish. Aaron presses End Call, and that conversation is over.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When he heads back to campus, it’s quiet and dreary. Students with their books and laptops still litter the steps of the administrative building, but there’s significantly less of them. The fountains are running with grayer waters, and dance troupes that usually dance in public around this time are nowhere to be seen.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He walks across stone paths, past green patches in the layout. He smells rain in the air, hanging above his head like cobwebs. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He loves rainy days. It’s so quiet.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><span>His hands fumble for his student ID as he approaches his dorm building. With a small beep, the door </span>opens. He sighs in relief as it closes, the heat of the indoors melting away the metaphorical ice surrounding his frail limbs.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He holds his tote bag close to him as he walks down the hallway. He’s so close to his dorm…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But at that exact moment, the door to room 103 decides to open. Out steps a tall brown-haired boy, with wide shoulders and the side profile of a god. Aaron remembers what those shoulders feel like under his quivering palms. He shivers at the memory.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The boy closes the door and turns to face Aaron.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a staredown. The clock on the wall ticks. Aaron takes him in. He’s wearing a black coat, and wearing baggy white pants and sneakers. The boy’s face is expressionless, the lines of his face defined and well-sculpted. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Why hasn’t he spoken to Aaron since that day?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s Aaron who breaks the stare. Sweeping his books into another hand, he looks forward and walks away to his own room in a grand gesture of disdain. He doesn’t look back, opening his dorm room and slamming the door as he closes it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He slips out of his hoodie. It’s left on top of the chair. He’s not exactly messy, but he’ll put it somewhere else later. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s so hungry, but he lies down anyway. This is the coldest winter he’s experienced in his life. It’s so cold. So cold…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His chest rises, as if he wants to do something, but it falls as he sighs.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He thinks back to the summer, when school hadn’t started yet. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He thinks of tan skin, of full lips and brown hair.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He thinks of Minhyun’s penetrating gaze and the sea air. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He thinks that he is looking for something. Something he will never find.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. two: alone and lonely</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW/ minor explicit portion in italics, a small block at the beginning.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <a href="http://www.theseaofstars.com/"> www.theseaofstars.com </a>
</p><p> </p><p>LOGIN | SIGN UP</p><p> </p><p>aron0521</p><p>**************</p><p> </p><p>SIGN IN AS A READER</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <b>SIGN IN AS A CREATOR</b> </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Loading….</p><p> </p><p>Inbox (1)</p><p>Message from your group leader, MANGO</p><p>Hello, ARON. Congrats on making the Featured section. Please remember to submit your next manuscript by this Sunday.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Would you like to view your most recent manuscript?</p><p><b>YES</b> | NO</p><p> </p><p>Opening document….</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em> …how are you so fucking small?” the brunette above him heaved, puncturing each word with a sharp snap of his hips. “How the fuck… oh my god.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The redhead didn’t respond coherently; he only gripped tighter on those wide, tan shoulders and whimpered. His eyes were dazed, and he was staring at the sky. “Don’t stop, please. D-Don’t… don’t stop.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Aaron decides upon reading his most recent manuscript that it’s the best thing he’s written in all of his years working on <em> The Sea of Stars </em>. It’s not like he cares that much about what he puts on there as long as he gets enough money to last him the month. But the fact that it’s the only thing that’s ever made the Featured section of the website annoys him. Why? Because that brunette in the story was none other than Minhyun.</p><p> </p><p>He really needs a muse in order to write well, huh?</p><p> </p><p>It’s the morning after he went to that nice café, which he wonders if he will go to again despite it being dark and eerie. <em> Dark and eerie is good, </em> he decides, brushing his teeth. It’s nothing like the Forum, which, although relatively quiet, is too large and too bright, with too many people inside. He can’t be around too many people when he’s writing.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t return to the cafe today because today is Tuesday, and it also happens to be his most packed day of the week. His outfit today is chosen with precision; he doesn’t want to walk around with skinny jeans when his day doesn’t end until 9 PM. Black sweatpants, a t-shirt, a hoodie, and a jacket over that. </p><p> </p><p>As he’s slipping his laptop into his bag, he notices a piece of black fabric sitting on the chair. He picks it up and looks at it. It’s a black tube top that he got the other day when he was walking around East 86th street. He slips it on as an afterthought, briefly admiring the way that he looks in the mirror. It hugs his body in all the right ways, accentuating his (lack of) chest. He hates to phrase it this way, but he feels a sudden rush of confidence, like he can go out into the world and conquer it.</p><p> </p><p>Nevertheless, he pushes the feeling and saves the conquering for another day. <em> No one will know, </em> he tells himself, as he puts the hoodie and jacket back on. </p><p> </p><p>He picks up a piece of French toast and a banana at the dining hall, wrapping up the French toast and peeling the banana as he heads to his first class. It’s a class that he hates to admit that he enjoys: teen fiction studies. They discuss more about psychology than about the actual literature, which is proven by the endless pages of notes that Aron has in his bag, but he likes the class and doesn’t mind. It’s a relatively new course, and the lecturer isn’t as boring as his Shakespearean Lit professor.</p><p> </p><p>As he’s walking through the dining hall towards the exit, he overhears conversation over the phone. A male of average height and a deep, calm voice, speaks somewhat frantically into the speaker.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean he can’t do the performance? I mean, of course I care about his well being, but I know that he’ll be fine in the long run… but this group? How will we function?” </p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t appear to be panicking, but his words are frantic. His arms are folded into his chest, he’s pursing his lips and his eyebrows are furrowed in deep thought. Aaron wants to hear more, but he tells himself to hurry along (because eavesdropping is creepy as hell).<br/><br/></p><p>He makes it to class on time, thankfully, and sits down in his usual seat. His laptop is folded into a writing surface and his stylus balanced carefully in his hand when he lecturer walks in a begins the class.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Aim: How does society affect what the teenager looks for in a good story? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Do Now: Attempt to answer the aim as best as you can. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The biggest aspect of society that affects the teenage mindset is gender roles.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t get to type any more before the lecturer starts the lesson. </p><p> </p><p>Aaron doesn’t sit at the front of the class, but he doesn’t sit at the back either. He sits right next to the window, which he usually does not find himself staring out of. There is a pause in productivity through the entire class as the lecturer goes off on a tangent about male validation. </p><p> </p><p>Aaron’s not great at taking notes on abstract topics, so, as he sits in the room, he finally takes a look outside the window. It’s cloudy again, and he’s not so sure why it’s been so gloomy lately, but strangely, it doesn’t affect his mood. </p><p> </p><p>He notices a group of dancers outside of his room. They’re performing some sort of Korean girl group choreography. He watches as the dancers lean from one foot to the other, and back again, before dropping into what seems like a chorus dance break. Their outfits are black and frilly, and they’re wearing black heels but somehow not falling. </p><p> </p><p><em> They’re holding each other up, in a way, </em> he thinks. <em> They’re a group and they’re supporting each other by being together. </em></p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t know how he feels just looking at them. Happy? Curious? <em> Wistful? </em></p><p> </p><p>When he looks back into the blinding white lights of his classroom, he suddenly realizes that not only does he feel wistful, but he also feels terribly, terribly lonely.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. three: a bit of a change.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i want to talk about this briefly, but..</p><p>some of my personal experiences show in the protagonists of my writing. i hope you guys know that i these aus have more meaning than just straight up romance and think of it as more than that. this goes for all authors as well; a lot of us want you guys to look past the romantic plot and see other things that may teach you a lesson in life. </p><p>they’re also a reflection of my inner turmoil and what i have to say about things. so i hope i have made some sort of impact on the way you think.</p><p>thanks guys &lt;3</p><p>- violet</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Chapter 3:</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Aaron approaches the door of the Shakespearean Lit classroom, he notices a yellow slip of paper on the door. “PROFESSOR JUNG is absent today,” it says. “Please report to room 324 to join the other SHAKESPEAREAN LITERATURE class.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Disgruntled from the long, pointless walk he made to his room, Aaron walks to 324, which was a classroom twice as large as his normal Shakespearean Lit class. There, he sits down next to the window and wallows in exhaustion. </span>
  <em>
    <span>The last class of the day,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he reminds himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shakespearean Lit is an essay-based, and the university specifically makes sure to come up with specific response formats for the class. It’s honestly kind of boring to Aaron. However, it’s a required class for English majors and some other majors as well. Therefore, when several students from other majors spill in, he’s not surprised.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The seat next to him slides back, and Aaron looks up to see a well-built man in dark blue sit down in the chair. He’s not much taller than him, but he carries himself with an aura of confidence that makes Aaron feel small. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That’s when Aaron realizes he’s the boy from the other day in the cafeteria, who was talking frantically into the phone about his injured friend. Aaron’s curiosity peaks, but he’s not the outgoing person he once was. He opens his mouth to speak, but he closes it once he thinks twice about what he wants to say.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Luckily for him, the other boy speaks first.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, this seat wasn’t taken, was it? I’ll get up if you need me to.” He shoots him a tired smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, no it’s not. You’re fine,” Aaron says hurriedly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The boy sits up straight and fixes his hoodie, fishing out a muji notebook from his backpack. “Sorry, do you happen to have a pen? I think I left my pen in the other classroom— oh, thanks,” he rambles, as Aaron tosses him a sarasa. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The boy fumbles with it a little. There’s still a good 5 minutes before class begins. “You’ve watched Fairy Tale?” Aaron mumbles, a bit taken aback at the sticker on the cover of the notebook. He regrets it the minute he says it, expecting the other boy to have a negative reaction. But his new tablemate lights up and says, “Yeah! It’s my favorite anime. You watch it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And that’s how Aaron learns that his new friend’s name is Thomas (no Tom, Thomas), but he wants Aaron to call him “Jonghyun” because he doesn’t like being called Thomas. He learns that he has two older sisters, and is part of a dance team performing in two days for the Welcome Home Ceremony. That he’s an introvert and that he loves video games. They can’t stop talking, and suddenly, Aaron feels less lonely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When their class starts, Aaron notices that the professor is slightly deaf and blind, and uses that as an advantage to take a sticky note and scratch a quick message to Jonghyun.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>do u like cake</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>yes hehehe ^_^</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>what’s ur fave bakery</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>i dont have one, what’s urs? :0</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>it’s off campus. like a block away? but still v good and cheap</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>omg you wanna go after this? ik it’s late but still &gt;_&lt;</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>sure</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And that’s how, after dark, Aaron ends up walking with Jonghyun to the bakery he loves. It’s small and cozy, but he remembers coming here during the uni summer program to wallow in homesickness and self-pity. He’s quite emotionally attached to the brick walls and the heavy scent of butter, bread, and sugar. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s 9:04 when they get there, but this bakery never closes. Aaron remembers his vulnerable state walking in here during the summer when he first came to New York. Bringing Jonghyun here makes him feel vulnerable, suddenly, as if he’s showing him a part of him that he concealed for a long time. It’s especially weird because he’s only known Jonghyun for a small while.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron gets his usual dark chocolate croissant. The girl at the counter recognizes him, and they exchange a silent greeting. She saw him go through it over the summer. She pretty much knows all his secrets at this point. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jonghyun gets an egg tart and coffee and sits down with him at the small table in the corner. “Chocolate croissant. Classy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s pretty simple, actually. It’s also thicker and more substantial than most croissants. It actually makes you full,” Aaron mused. He looks at Jonghyun’s black coffee. “Dude, are you trying to sleep tonight?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think I can sleep; I’ve got a lot going on. Too much to think about. Also probably gonna stay up playing video games,” replies the otaku. He gives Aaron a cute grin.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aw, why? What’s wrong?” Aaron asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My dance team. Someone won’t heal in time for the performance.” Jonghyun looks bummed. “We spent so much time prepping for it he can’t do it with us. I don’t know what to do. I can either find a replacement for him, or do it with seven instead of eight, but rearranging it would be so weird.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What song is it?” Aaron asks, out of curiosity.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you know EXO?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course. What type of Korean would I be to not know them?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re doing The Eve,” Jonghyun says. “My hair is permed for this exact reason.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That’s when Aron notices that Jonghyun’s hair is wavy. He didn’t see it before, for some reason. The waves fall over his face in the same way that EXO’s stage hair does. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look great,” Aaron comments. “The Eve? It’s a pretty cool dance. My sister made me teach the dance to her and her friends for her birthday last year, I think.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jonghyun’s eyes suddenly widen and light up. “You know it? You know the dance?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron nods.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can you do it with us?” Jonghyun’s eyes are wide and begging.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Cute,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Aaron thinks. But the question at hand is compromising. There’s so many things at stake, things that he hasn’t sorted out with himself yet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You need to get out more and meet more people, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he tells himself. But there’s a nagging fear of the world that’s been here ever since the summer. The summer, when deep rooted fears within him began to surface. The summer, when he did things he never did before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh, I don’t know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looks at Jonghyun’s pleading eyes. He purses his lips and looks at the hope in them. How could he turn him down? How could he disappoint him?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But all the fears and insecurities build up and swallow him. He’s not sure. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jonghyun’s eyes search his face, waiting for him to give an answer. “Please. I would owe you my life.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron feels increasing pressure to answer him. He swallows thickly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And makes up his mind.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i’m @choivioleta on twitter. i also have a twitter au if you guys are interested.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. four: you don’t know if you don’t try</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw/ insecurity</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The next morning, Aaron drags his ass out of bed at ass o’ clock in the morning. He’s still bone tired and he doesn’t even bother to change out of his clothes from yesterday. He glances at the clock and realizes that the early morning practice that Jonghyun told him about is going to start in 15 minutes.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The onset panic is enough to shake his eyes open, and he quickly throws on a hoodie and a jacket over the slightly crinkled bralette he slept in, before grabbing his laptop, glasses case, and backpack and booking it for the cafeteria. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He grabs a banana and a piece of toast before he dashes to the west gymnasium, where Jonghyun told him the group usually meets extremely early in the morning to practice. When he gets there, he shoves his backpack in one of the lockers inconspicuously (he doesn’t have a lock with him right now). He moves to take his hoodie off, but then he realizes that he only has the bralette underneath, and the last thing he wants is these guys to see him any differently (he wants to think they wouldn’t, but after finding out about certain things, everyone always treats him like never before. He’s noticed these things; they’re subtle, but they’re there.) </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He settles for wearing the hoodie, even if he’ll be sweating to death by the time things are over. Shoving his things messily into the locker, he finds his way to the exit of the locker room connected to the gym and opens the door, before promptly slamming it shut and walking back towards the lockers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span><br/>He’s not the same confident Aaron he was back in high school. His insecurities eat him up from the inside like parasites. He breathes in and out, in and out, trying to get a grip of himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s doing this for Jonghyun. He’s doing this for this dude that he met in his Shakespearean Lit class and wants to keep around for a little while because of how precious this guy is to him. He’s doing this because he knows it’s good for him. He’s doing this because he doesn’t want his demons to eat him from the inside.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So slowly, coolly, trying to emulate the confidence his high self had, he opens the door and walks into the gymnasium, where he’s immediately met with the faces of a small number of his peers, stretching and talking amongst the small number of themselves.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t speak, because Jonghyun isn’t there yet, and just walks towards the group as nonchalantly as he can.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One of them looks up at him amidst a leg stretch. Aaron’s eyes meet with his, and he tries not to waver, but ends up looking at the other guys stretching. He doesn’t know if he should stretch, too, or if he should introduce himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you filling in?” the guy asks.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron nods, unsure of what to say, before the guy jumps up and comes over to give him a bro hug. “Thanks so much, dude. You have no idea how much this means to us.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron relaxes in his hold, but doesn’t hug him back, instead shrinking slightly. The guy is so much taller than him and smells like musk and cologne. It makes Aaron dizzy, and he shivers slightly. The guy doesn’t seem to notice, though. He just says, “The guy who isn’t with us here today was a really crucial part of the dance, so I hope you understand why we needed a new person rather than rearranging things. He was Kai. And I have Sehun’s part, so we’ll be side by side a lot in this choreography.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The guy’s smile is reassuring. “My name is Junhui,” he rattles in a melodious and high-pitched voice, and Aaron can’t help but admire his delicate facial features. “It’s nice you meet you, but you should tell us your name and get stretching before Thomas gets here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron suddenly remembers that Jonghyun’s name is Thomas. “Oh, yeah. I’m Aaron. Hi guys,” he says, waving weakly at the other guys. Then, he sits down, stretches his arms out, and reaches for his toes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How much experience do you have?” asks one of the other guys, as he’s stretching his hips. “Do you know the dance yet?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I learned it a while ago,” Aaron replies slowly, holding his breath a bit. “To be honest, I don’t have much experience.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The guy nods, giving him a friendly smile. He’s good-looking, Aaron notices. “It’s fine. My name is Vernon. We should be able to have the formation down in no time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good morning peeps!” Jonghyun walks through the door coolly, setting his water bottle down on the bleachers. “How’s everyone doing today? Hi Aaron.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi Jonghyun.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>True to Vernon’s word, they do have the formation down in no time. The other guys are better, but slight envy is evident on their faces as they watch Aaron. Even with no experience, he’s a natural; his torso and legs are flexible, and his dancing is near perfect, without a trace of stiffness present. He doesn’t miss a beat as they rattle through the moves and the positions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As they near the end of practice, Aaron feels their tentative eyes on him. He’s not blind; he can see the way that they regard him. No experience, yet can pull off all of the moves without the bat of an eyelash. His body is pliant and his expressions never show a sign of awkwardness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s one problem, though.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aaron, we need to see a bit more of that masculine charm,” says Jonghyun. “Kai is very… sexy. If you know what I’m referring to. You need to emulate that energy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron tries not to turn beet red. “I’m trying my best. It’s hard.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s meet tomorrow here at the same time,” says one of the guys. If Aaron remembers correctly, his name is Daniel. “I think we did well today. I’m assuming everyone needs to go to class now?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The response comes in the form of a chorus of nods from the group, who are all tired and sweaty from the dance. As they walk to the locker room, Jonghyun catches up with Aaron. “You have no idea how much this means to me. Thank you… really.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s no problem really. I need to get out more, anyways, honestly,” Aaron tells him, reassuring him. “It’s not that much trouble.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he gets to the locker and moves to take off his soaked hoodie, he realizes that he can’t, because he only has his bralette underneath. He curses his stupidity, fumbling with the hem. He decides to just take out his phone from his bag and pretend to scroll through the unread messages that aren’t there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aaron?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron looks up to see the other guys waiting for him. “Oh, you guys can go ahead. I think I have to go back to my dorm anyway.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay. See you around,” Daniel says, waving goodbye, and the other guys chorus, “Bye!” before heading out to the classes. When the door falls closed, he takes off his sweatshirt and breathes a sigh of relief. He runs a hand through his sweaty red hair. Tomorrow is when he’ll have to throw his insecurities away and stand on a stage.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, the door opens, and Jonghyun walks back in. He has his bag in his hand, and looks slightly frantic. “Hey, Aaron, have you seen my phone? Oh, there it is.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He takes the phone on the bench, before looking up at a shocked and open-mouthed Aaron. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looks at the bralette, then at Aaron, and then at the bralette again, before he says, “Is that why you didn’t want to take your hoodie off today?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron doesn’t know what to say. He nods slowly, tentatively. He expects Jonghyun to shrink away with furrowed eyebrows and tentative, defensive words.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you think…” Jonghyun trails off, “Do you think maybe you can wear it tomorrow for the Welcome Home Ceremony?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron freezes, and his eyes dart around. He gulps and tries to speak.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” Jonghyun says. “I just was wondering, because you’ve had some trouble pulling off the Kai vibe. I was thinking you’d want to try something else, maybe?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron swallows and finds the right words. “Is this not… weird to you? Is it not weird to the other guys?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jonghyun slowly shakes his head, “I don’t think it will be? I think they would really like the idea.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron is silent for a while, before he makes up his mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay. It sounds cool, I guess.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. five: never enough</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw// body image, self-doubt, crying</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There is one class that Aaron shares with Minhyun. He hates the class, because it’s an Intro class, meaning that the size is bound to be enormous. Minhyun always sits with his friends, a relatively noisy group that laugh and laugh and joke about everything. It makes Aaron feel like they’re laughing at him; for giving into Minhyun’s misdeeds in the summer; for wanting more.</p><p> </p><p>He never even looks at the taller boy. He always gets there before Minhyun does and leaves after him so he wouldn’t have to walk past him. It would be like another walk of shame if he had to do that.</p><p> </p><p>“Good evening, class,” his professor, an older man in his 50’s begins. “Before we start, I’d like to share an interesting internship opportunity with you. I will leave some flyers on my desk in case you are interested later on. It’s a program that…”</p><p> </p><p>Aaron knows it’s a good opportunity that he wants, that he <em> needs </em>, but he doesn’t listen, and instead decides to just grab a flyer at the end. He instead gives in to the incessant thoughts that trouble him while Minhyun and his friends talk noisily and laugh obnoxiously. Now that he thinks about it, Daniel looked horrifically familiar because he was one of Minhyun’s friends that always sat with him in the back of the class.</p><p> </p><p>It’s like the universe is playing a sick trick on him, making him sit alone and have no one to support him while Minhyun is in the back with his friends, being loud and annoying. It’s all in his head, but he feels like the world is closing in on him. Like he’s a worthless joke.</p><p> </p><p>He’s never doubted his self-worth so much in his life, especially over another man. What exactly was so wrong with him that made Minhyun not want to speak to him after the summer? He knew there was something between them; an emotional connection that they fostered through those days in the wilderness with the rest of their classmates. Yet the other man didn’t speak to him when they came back to school. </p><p> </p><p>At that moment, one of Minhyun’s friends starts whispering something about a stick. Their laughter doesn’t seem to reach the ears of their professor, but it’s all Aaron can hear. It reminds him of his own thin, sickly body. He’s always been small, but he’s never been self-conscious about it until lately. They laugh, and it seems like they’re laughing at his stick arms, his thin legs, and the nonexistent curve of his ass.</p><p> </p><p>When he was growing up, the beauty standard has always shifted towards being frail and thin, but nowadays, he looks at pictures on Instagram in envy, wishing his thighs were more voluminous or that he had a bit more weight in his arms, shoulders, or chest. He never really thought about it until now. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe, he just wasn’t good enough. Maybe he will never be good enough. Maybe he’ll never be at peace with himself. The obnoxious snorts of Minhyun’s friends remind him of that.</p><p> </p><p>The room is definitely closing in on him. It’s becoming smaller and smaller; <em> he </em> feels like he’s getting smaller and smaller. He continues paying attention to the lesson, but he just feels so small sitting there in the corner of the lecture hall. </p><p> </p><p>It feels like forever before his professor smiles and bids them a goodbye. “Remember to grab a flyer,” he calls, as the students start filing out.</p><p> </p><p>Aaron takes his time closing the tabs on his device and putting his IPad away. He gingerly takes his glasses and puts it into his glasses case, letting the case snap shut slowly. He puts the iPad into his bag, before getting up out of his seat to go to the professor and get a flyer.</p><p> </p><p>As he’s picking up the slip, his professor asks, “You alright there, Mr. Kwak?”</p><p> </p><p>Aaron looks up in half-confusion half-surprise. “Yes, of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”</p><p> </p><p>“You seem very sad sometimes,” his professor comments. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh. Uh, yeah. I’m fine, I can assure you. Thank you for your concern,” Aaron replies, bowing his head once and taking the flyer.</p><p> </p><p>His heart drops when he realizes that Minhyun and his friends still haven’t left. In fact, he and Daniel are coming his way.</p><p> </p><p>When Daniel spots him, his face breaks into a wide smile. “Aaron! Hi! I didn’t know you were in this class. Hehe.”</p><p> </p><p>Daniel catches him in a hug and puts his chin on Aaron’s head, smothering him and ruffling his hair. He’s like an overly friendly puppy. Next to him, Minhyun shifts uncomfortably and furrows his eyebrows at Daniel. </p><p> </p><p>“Hi Daniel,” Aaron says, masking the reluctance in his voice. </p><p> </p><p>“See you around,” Daniel says, as he relinquishes Aaron from his hold. “And see you tomorrow, too. Buh byeee!”</p><p> </p><p>Aaron smiles weakly and waves as he walks away, trying not to make it seem too obvious that he’s trying to get away. He can feel Minhyun’s eyes resting heavily on him as he leaves.</p><p> </p><p>At dinner, Aaron picks up a heaping portion of pasta, a piece of chicken, and bread, before heading back to his dorm room. He makes it to his room safely without any unwanted encounters with Minhyun. Then, he sits down at his desk and tries to eat. But it’s only so long before he feels too full, the pasta too full in his stomach, the chicken dry, and the bread untouched. He picks up the last forkful of noodles. He doesn’t have an appetite.</p><p> </p><p>He crawls into bed and removes his glasses, setting them on the counter beside him. His body hurts and he’s bone tired.</p><p> </p><p>Yet the thoughts still come for him. The thoughts that he’s not enough, that he never will be enough, and that it’s the reason why people never love him. He covers his head with the blanket, but the thoughts spill in like poison gas, invading his mind and making him feel suffocated beneath the sheets. </p><p> </p><p>For what feels like the tenth time this week, a tear slips out of his eyes, then another, and another, before his cheeks are wet and his body is racked with sobs running through his body like electric shock. He curls into a ball and cries. He wonders if anyone has ever felt the same way he does right now, but the other thoughts push that on aside. </p><p> </p><p>He’s so alone. The rest of the world is one, and he’s a tiny speck in it that floats around in the mass of gel and never finds its own place. Each and every little demon that has flooded his mind and his sheets merges into one large mass as he falls asleep within his own tears.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi guys.</p><p>This chapter illustrates a lot of the internal struggles that a lot of young people (especially young women) face. These include issues of self-doubt, self-worth, and body image. How many times have we cried ourselves to sleep at night because we felt like we weren’t enough, or as if we don’t matter? How many times do the people around us, especially men, make us feel like we are worth nothing? </p><p>Yes, Minhyun is an asshole. You will forgive him later on, but he is an asshole. Yes, Aron doesn’t deserve him.</p><p>This chapter is angsty but I love angst so y’all should have seen this coming :D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. six: the eve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The bralette is freshly ironed and decorated with a single silver bird brooch that Jonghyun bought for him to clip on. “I knew it would look nice,” Jonghyun says, smiling softly, and Aaron, for once, feels at ease under Jonghyun’s content gaze and kind eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looks different; feels different. The black denim cargo pants feel tight around the waist but loose everywhere else (“My sister’s pants. Her waist is needle thin.”) Fake studs rest in both of his ears, complimenting his new hair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Of course it’s not real, but his hair is an ashy blond, and it's wavy and doesn’t come down past his ears. Aaron feels like he can conquer the world as he looks in the mirror. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Remember what we did today in practice,” Jonghyun says. “Remember, confidence, chin up, and act like there’s a casanova in front of you that you’re trying to impress.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Got it,” Aaron says, giving him a reassuring smile. In reality, he feels terrified. There are tons of people; tons of people who he is showing his secrets to. Tons of people that will see a completely different side of him he’s never shown before. Tons of people that may see him completely different after tonight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They’re backstage, in the small room that has several lit up mirrors and empty clothes racks. The lights are quite dysfunctional and the room is overall quite dark, but Aaron can still see himself through the darkness. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His eyes meet Jonghyun’s in the mirror, and the younger boy gives him a reassuring smile. “You’re going to do amazing. You’re going to stun the entire crowd.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron lets out a nervous laugh. “Don’t put that pressure on me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can handle it,” Jonghyun replies. His intent eyes hold Aaron’s gaze in the mirror and make the older feel small. In that moment, comfortable silence envelopes them both, and Aaron basks in the welcoming comfort that is Jonghyun’s presence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door swings open, and their heads snap around to see Daniel walk in, followed by everyone else in the cover group. The sudden chatter and noise envelope the atmosphere, as the boys laugh and put their stuff down everywhere. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Aaron, you look like you should be on the runway or something,” one of the guys point out. “New York Fashion Week seem appealing to you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe not,” Aaron replies, laughing nervously.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What about a girl group cover?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The other guys laugh, shoving each other playfully as Aaron rolls his eyes. “Probably not,” he grumbles. “You want me to do another cover? Fat chance.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That Loona song sound nice to you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I have no idea which song you’re referring to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know! </span>
  <em>
    <span>So what… I’m so bad, I’m so bad… </span>
  </em>
  <span>you really don’t know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nope.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s almost time,” calls Jonghyun, looking up from his cell phone and shutting it off. “We should get going. Everyone, bags down, chins up, let’s go!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The guys walk out the door one by one. Aaron makes no move to leave; he’s sitting furthest from the door anyway, so getting up is pointless. As they walk out, Junhui turns around.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The door falls shut. They look at each other, face to face. There’s something written in the Chinese man’s eyes, but Aaron can’t place what it is.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look amazing,” Junhui says, finally.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” Aaron says, flashing a grateful smile. “I appreciate it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know,” Junhui pushes himself off of the door frame (which Aaron didn’t notice he was leaning on) and walks toward Aaron slowly, his steps calculated, “you’re kind of like Pandora’s box… I don’t know what’s inside, but I want to find out. So badly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In that moment, Aaron feels that maybe, just maybe he can move on from the summer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Junhui’s face is dangerously close to his, and his fingers are reaching up to touch a strand of Aaron’s hair. “What I want to know is if you want me to find out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before Aaron can say anything, there’s a harsh knock on the door that has Junhui taking a sharp step back. Jonghyun opens it, looking annoyed. “Why are y’all still here? Get your asses to the stage! We’re up next.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Junhui gives him a look, before he reaches for the door handle and they walk to the stage together silently. A flurry of emotions beat through Aaron’s bloodstream. He doesn’t know what to think of what just happened. He feels like everything is moving too fast for him now. He wants to run and hide. He agrees to a single thing that Jonghyun asks him to do and it leads to this?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it’s too late to back out now. The group walks out into the dark stage. They’re greeted with the roaring of the crowd, gathered for food and drinks and thrill. As Aaron takes his position in the front, he suddenly sees someone he doesn’t know if he wants to see.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the reserved seats in the front, Hwang Minhyun sits, his chiseled features expressionless. Aaron vaguely remembers that Daniel mentioned something about inviting his friends for the showcase and giving them front seats. He really wants to run off the stage now, but it’s far too late, when the music starts and he’s twisting around to the first movement of the dance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look at me, what’s the situation</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Past your flustered face… “</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Over the summer, when Aaron first came to New York from Los Angeles, the first thing he needed to do was go on a camping trip.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yes, a camping trip. The university decided that they needed a camping trip in order to “bond as a class.” Aaron thought it was a horrific idea. The wilderness was muddy, slippery, and he hated it. Everyone was so different from him, and he never felt so alone. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>As they hiked along a trail, he slipped and fell. He watched as his classmates walked past him, talking amongst themselves. “Help, please!” he called out.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>A group of people turned around and looked at him. One of them whispered to another, malice in their breath and ill intention in their eyes. He held out his hand in a gesture of desperation, but they turned the corner. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He couldn’t get up. Until many minutes later, when the numbness began to fade. When he did stand, his stance was wobbly.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It didn’t matter either way. He was lost.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>With that, he truly began to fear.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We must break it apart and clash against it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The beat drops, and Aaron dips and raises his forearm to his forehead in the signature movement of The Eve. His chest rolls, turning upward as the music plays.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So we can see ourselves.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As he holds his arms above his head and bares his chest for the world to see, his eyes meet Minhyun’s.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Any other time, those eyes would make him cower and scurry away. But this is different. He’s on stage, where he is invincible. He doesn’t feel like Aaron anymore, he feels like a statue of himself come alive.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We must shout out loud</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So it spreads wide and far, oh.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He met Minhyun because they shared a room together in the lodging. Two twin beds pushed together in the tiny room. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It was the dead of night. Aaron was pretending to be asleep as he stared out the window.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The clock shone 1:04 AM.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re not asleep, are you?” Minhyun called.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Aaron was startled. After a two second pause, he said, “No, I’m not.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He could legitimately hair crickets chirping. It was the middle of the woods. Why would he not hear those things? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He saw the other boy shifting. “I think this camping trip was a bad idea…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, you have no idea, Aaron wanted to say. And through his hazy tired state, that was exactly what he did. “You have no clue…” he mumbled.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The other boy turned. “About what?” he almost challenged.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Aaron met his eyes. They were dark, but they seemed to hold a million secrets. As they stared him down, he felt like he was being scanned and searched, every little secret and particle that made up his existence filtered through an impossibly thin sift.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s not sure how the mutual attraction blossomed, but it began with subtle looks, looks of curiosity, apprehension, and benevolence, to looks of appreciation, lust, and eventually want. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The last day they spent at a beach. Aaron’s ankle wasn’t doing very well, but he pretended that it was.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There, he gave everything to this boy that he’d known for a week. When they waded out to the sea, the moon was the only one watching. When Minhyun spread him out right where water met land, she hid behind the clouds to make this moment truly theirs. When their bodies became one, she tied a knot within her tapestry of fate.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron’s not sure why he did that. He wants to believe that, no, he paid Minhyun no heed and was the one who took something from the other boy. But he knows deep down that it’s not true.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Minhyun tied a string to a peg deep within him. Now, he knows he would have Aaron on a harness wherever he goes, and Aaron hates it. He hates feeling tied down to someone just because of this. He hates knowing that Minhyun could simply bat an eyelash and it would get his hopes up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We must break it apart and clash against it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He jumps, </span>
  <em>
    <span>leaps</span>
  </em>
  <span> into the next move. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So we can see ourselves.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The night sky is dark. He can’t see the stars, but when he looks up, it’s almost like looking into the void, where all of his demons come from when they fly down to haunt him at night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We must shout it out loud.” He stamps and punches his fists out in front of his hips and walks, crossing the stage in the boldest walk of confidence he could muster. There’s a roar from the audience beneath him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The moment soft lights spread out</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And chase away the darkness</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We must wake up again </span>
</p><p>
  <span>To the new morning, oh.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The performance finishes as he looks up with the rest of the dancers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s a soft cheer, before the rest of the audience recovers from the shock and begins to cheer, clapping and shouting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron’s breathing heavily. He almost smiles, but his eyes meet Hwang Minhyun’s dark irises in the front row, and he suddenly comes down from the high, more sober than he ever will be in his life.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As they walk off the stage, Jonghyun drags him over to the table of food. There’s trays of piping hot pizza (Aaron watches as one student pulls a slice out and the cheese stretches with the slice), small sample cups of spicy rice cakes, piles of hot chip, corndogs with ketchup, boba dispensers, and small, delicate vanilla cupcakes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As he spears a single rice cake on the toothpick, he smiles with Jonghyun under the night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thomas!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They turn to see people that Aaron doesn’t know. When they smile at him and praise him for his performance, he suddenly doesn’t feel like he needs to hide anymore. He smiles, laughs, and lets the world know who he is.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You were so good,” one girl praises him, for the tenth time that night. “Do you have snap?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t give her his snap because he doesn’t have one, but he hands the girl her phone after typing in his Instagram handle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This repeats itself several times over.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Junhui.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Junhui approaches him, looking straight into his eyes, as it begins to get late.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve spoken,” he says, as Aaron has his third cup of brown sugar boba. “I’m not going to force you to answer me, but…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron swallows. It’s been a good night, but the excessive amounts of sugar in his boba doesn’t stop his mind from wandering away from this. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He swallows. “I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be,” the taller man says, but his eyes are filled with something Aaron can place within his deepest fears, something that he himself is afraid of.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re beautiful,” Junhui whispers. Aaron lets him tuck a strand of hair behind his ear and hold his cheek in his hand. “Do you know that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron isn’t aware of Hwang Minhyun standing in the shadow of a crowd, watching the interaction. For once, his usual cold expression is slipping, being replaced by something more. Greed. Hatred. Jealousy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s late when he finds his way to the backstage room. He fumbles for the light switch, which grants him the dimmest light to guide him on his journey of finding his bag and jacket. He takes the brooch off and looks at it. It’s fake, obviously, but it has a small flower design that he runs his thumb over in appreciation. He puts it into his bag and buttons up the small pocket, making a mental note to return it to Jonghyun.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, a loud creaking noise startles him out of his meaningful reverie. The metal handle door slams against the wall, creating a noise that makes him flinch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There, in the doorway, stands Hwang Minhyun. Brown leather coat and dark trousers tucked inside boots greet Aaron's eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For a moment, they stare at each other, Aaron in shock and Minhyun in sentiment and frustration. Then, Minhyun’s hold on the door handle drops, and he takes long, heaving strides forward, crowding up into Aaron and pushing the smaller against the wall with his considerably larger palms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Their eyes are centimeters apart, and Aaron’s forgotten how to breathe as he feels the cold gloved hands on him; one on his shoulder and another on his waist.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You—” Hwang Minhyun growls out, his jaw clenching and his eyebrows furrowing as he grips onto Aaron’s hip and shoulder even more harshly. His lips ghost over Aaron as his eyes flicker from the smaller man’s lips to his eyes, and back again. “You’re driving me fucking insane.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. seven: crying. a lot of it.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> “Do you think the reason why Japan has so many ghost stories is because it’s the gate between earth and hell?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Aaron stares at the ceiling. “I can’t think of anywhere else it would be.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “If you think about it,” Minhyun whispered, “Of course the gateway between the living and the dead would be an island. The terrain there is so rocky and misty, good for hiding inconspicuous ghosts that decide to wander past the gates for a bit. And people go missing there frequently. They could be following the ghosts past the gates.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It was the third night of the camping trip, and Aaron became increasingly aware of the way that Minhyun’s eyes followed him around the room everywhere he walked. The way he would stare at Aaron when he stood next to the window, the moon reflecting onto his face and making light bounce off of his voluminous lashes.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> And eventually, the way he would discreetly look at Aaron as the smaller one slipped out of his jeans and crawled into the sheets, the smooth bare skin of his thighs contrasting with the rough, white cotton sheets of his twin bed. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The sole memory of that makes Hwang Minhyun grip Aaron’s waist tighter and his brow wind tighter a bit more.</p><p> </p><p>“I imagine you know what I want from you right now,” says Minhyun, and Aaron can hear, <em> feel </em> his ragged breathing, undoubtedly from the desperate running that brought the broader man to this room and eventually their current stance. “But what I need to hear is if you want the same thing.”</p><p> </p><p>Who is Aaron to say no right now? As Hwang Minhyun has him against the wall, caged within the prison of his wide shoulders, thick arms, and pink lips. As the one person he’s been thinking about for the past 2 months is finally in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>When Aaron looks into Minhyun’s eyes, it’s obvious that he’s had the same need since the second he saw Minhyun burst through the door like he just ran the marathon.</p><p> </p><p>“Just…just do whatever you want,” Aaron says, his resolve crumbling like a sandcastle. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure?” Minhyun pushes his lips closer to Aaron’s so that their lips are ghosting over one another. “Because if you are, you know how hard I’ll fucking split you open. Tell me again. Do you want me? Because I—” Minhyun draws in a ragged breath, and Aaron catches sight of his darkened eyes, filled with memories of where the water met the land under the stars, “because I fucking <em> need </em> you.”</p><p> </p><p>There’s near silence as the both of them just stare at each other.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sure,” Aaron breathes.</p><p> </p><p>And with that, there’s a ripping sound, and the black bralette previously surrounding his chest falls to the floor. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey!” Aaron yells, but he’s cut off when Minhyun grits out, “I’ll buy you a new one,” and begins to drive his hips into Aaron’s. There’s no way out now. A small, “Ah,” slips out of Aaron, then another, and another and another until he’s breathing raggedly and nearly throwing his head backwards as Minhyun kisses him senseless. The kiss is breathtaking, and eventually Aaron begins to whine as it becomes too much.</p><p> </p><p>“You know how you looked when you were on that stage?” Minhyun hisses. “You looked so fucking hot. And you looked like you knew it, too.”</p><p> </p><p>“I couldn’t fucking stand it when I saw you with that other guy,” he growls as he hooks his thumb inside the waistband of Aaron’s cargo pants. “I couldn’t fucking stand it. I wanted to walk over there and punch the shit out of him and fucking show him that no one—” he bites at a spot on Aaron’s neck that makes him keen, “—absolutely no one can come that close to you besides me.”</p><p> </p><p><em> Yet you didn’t come close to me for weeks, </em>Aaron thinks. However, he finds it hard to form coherent words through his shock when the cargo pants are nearly being torn off him. In frustration, Minhyun forces the Doc Martins Aaron’s wearing off his feet. He carelessly tosses it to the side before the final garment is off as well, leaving Aaron bare and vulnerable in his arms.</p><p> </p><p>With almost no effort, he hooks his hands under Aron’s underarms and picks him up, turning him around. Aaron grapples for <em> anything </em> to hold onto; Minhyun’s leather-clad shoulders are open and available.</p><p> </p><p>Gloved hands against bare skin, Minhyun turns him around in his arms until he is looking at himself in the vanity mirror. With one arm, Minhyun lifts Aaron up by his thighs, setting the smaller man’s feet on the counter. </p><p> </p><p>Even as they stay in that awkward position, Minhyun stares at him expectantly, the sheer power of his stare searing into the mirror and bouncing right back at Aaron, making him shiver.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you waiting for?” Minhyun harshly whispers into his ear, and his breathing alone makes Aaron want to rut his hips into thin air. “Spread your legs.”</p><p> </p><p>And Aaron does. He’s now presented with the view of his own lower half, his cock erect. He notices that he’s slipping in Minhyun’s hold, but when Minhyun notices as well, all he does is hoist Aaron up again, groaning from the impact. </p><p> </p><p>As if reading his mind, Minhyun reaches forward to stroke Aaron’s dick, his rough gloved hands making Aaron press himself into the surface in front of him and whine, closing his eyes and turning his head to the side. </p><p> </p><p>The pace Minhyun sets is agonizingly slow, but all he hears is Minhyun whispering into his ear, “Don’t look away. Look into the mirror. Watch me as I jack you off. Do it. Good. Now listen, after this, I’m gonna fuck you exactly like this: I’m gonna make you watch me fuck you open like you deserve to be. And then I’m gonna fuck you against the wall, which was what I was gonna do originally before I saw that mirror. I wanted to do it so fucking badly because you’re so goddamn small, and everytime I pick you up I feel like I can do anything. And then after this, I don’t know when but we’re gonna talk. We’re gonna talk to each other about the past weeks and I’m gonna explain myself. I promise. I promise I won’t screw you over this time. Oh, baby, why are you crying? Why are you crying?”</p><p> </p><p>With Minhyun’s repeated question, Aaron’s silent tears become sobbing, and Minhyun stops, turning him around and kissing him, wiping his tears away and looking into his eyes. “Why are you crying?”</p><p> </p><p>It’s a little while before Aaron whispers, “Just fuck me, please?”</p><p> </p><p>Minhyun draws in a small hurt breath. He kisses Aaron sweetly, molding their lips together like clay. He strokes Aaron cheek and searches his brown eyes with a sad smile, before turning him around to face the mirror. “We’ll talk about this,” he mutters reassuringly, “I promise,” and through the lust and the darkness, Aaron can see something more shining in Minhyun’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Minhyun pulls off his leather gloves, reaching around Aaron to set them on the vanity desk, before plucking a medium sized tub of Vaseline from amongst the dusty makeup palettes and brushes on the vanity table. Aaron watches as he coats his fingers in a reasonable amount of petroleum jelly, before their eyes meet again in the mirror. </p><p> </p><p>“Your last chance to back out,” Minhyun says.</p><p> </p><p>When Aaron’s eyes don’t waver, he reaches around and finds the smaller man’s ass, his fingers twirling ghosting around the asshole before slipping a single digit inside. </p><p> </p><p>Aaron’s back arches, but he makes no sound. Minhyun tests the waters a little by sliding slowly, in and out, in and out, before his pace increases slightly.</p><p> </p><p>And just like this, another one is added, and another, and another, until Aaron is whimpering and pressing back into Minhyun’s fingers plunging deep into him. </p><p> </p><p>“Minhyun, please?” Aaron breathes. “Please, Hwang Minhyun. You said you’d fuck me. Please…”</p><p> </p><p>His invitation is a win-win for both of them. Minhyun imagines how it would feel around his cock, warm and tight and inviting, and this thought alone makes him plunge his fingers harder, faster into Aaron until the small male begins to yell. </p><p> </p><p>“For fucks sake, Minhyun, fuck me already. You can’t just prep me forever.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t remember you being this whiny over the summer. I swear to god I don’t,” Minhyun mutters, before unbuttoning his own pants and letting his cock slip out into his palm.</p><p> </p><p>It’s killing Aaron that he can’t see what Minhyun is doing behind him, so he turns around to look. What he sees makes him shiver, his eyes dilating as he gasps.</p><p> </p><p>Aaron isn’t surprised, honestly. Minhyun doesn’t even wear tight pants, but anyone would be able to see the outline of it. It’s so close to his ass; if Aaron just moves back a little then he’d get what he wants… </p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, Minhyun tosses the petroleum jelly to the side before hoisting Aaron up again by his waist. Aaron feels his feet land on the vanity counter once more before Minhyun’s dick slides in between two globes of flesh. </p><p> </p><p>Slowly, Minhyun intently lets his cock slide in between the two asscheeks. He makes sure that he’s staring into Aaron’s eyes through the mirror, letting Aaron see the brimming malice and sadistic fantasies that lie in his irises. </p><p> </p><p>“See how I can just pick you up and use you like this?” Minhyun whispers. “It’s just that easy. If I wanted to, any second, I could just pick you up and slam you down on my cock. You would like that, wouldn’t you? You’d like it if I used you like some sort of cock ring.”</p><p> </p><p>His words have Aaron’s hips twitching as he glares at Minhyun through the mirror. <em> Get on with it, </em> Aaron thinks. </p><p> </p><p>It seems like Minhyun can sense this, so, lifting Aaron up by his waist, he finally lets Aaron sink down onto his length.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re so pretty, you know that?” Minhyun whispers into Aaron’s ear, as he holds himself back from moving. “You’re so pretty sitting on my dick like this. You know why I took you outside so I could fuck you on the beach? Because I knew you would look so pretty with your hair splayed out and wet on the sand. You looked goddamn magical laying there like a mermaid, but I didn’t know you would look better sitting right here on my cock. Spread your legs, doll. Look at us.”</p><p> </p><p>Aaron does what he orders, and he can feel Minhyun clenching every muscle in his body to not lose his restraint and rut into him.</p><p> </p><p>He is suddenly hyper aware of the way that his bare back is positioned against Minhyun’s chest, rubbing against the rough leather of his coat and the cotton of his shirt. It’s a bit too late to ask Minhyun to take off his clothes now, though.</p><p> </p><p>“I want you to watch closely,” Minhyun whispers. “I want you to stare at my dick as it fucks you. Okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“Just get on with it already.”</p><p> </p><p>Minhyun nostrils flare. “Do you not know the meaning of patience?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t care! Just fuck—”</p><p> </p><p>He’s quickly cut off as Minhyun begins to slam into him mercilessly. He feels strong arms wrap around his waist and slam him downwards as Minhyun’s hips buck forward to meet his. He doesn’t even have to move. He just gasps desperately for air as he’s tossed around. </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t look away,” Minhyun growls. “Don’t look away from the mirror. You asked for this, and you got it. Now watch me. Do it.”</p><p> </p><p>Aaron lets out a sob as he watches Minhyun’s dick disappear inside him. He has no tears left to cry anymore; he just moans and whimpers as Minhyun slams into him like he needs to show that he’s been right the whole time; like he needs to prove everything he just said. </p><p> </p><p>And suddenly, he just stops. He brings Aaron down from the vanity table, crying and yelling and protesting, “No don’t stop, goddamnit. Why did you have to stop? No!”</p><p> </p><p>Minhyun takes his leather coat off. “Stop being so loud. There could be people here,” he says, as he unbuttons his shirt, letting it fall to the ground. He picks Aaron up again and carries him to the closest wall. “Now stop whining. I told you I was gonna fuck you against the wall, didn’t I?”</p><p> </p><p>A whimper makes its way past Aaron’s lips as Minhyun cock slides back into his warmth. </p><p> </p><p>But he doesn’t move as quickly. It’s all too slow, too dragged out, even as he stares into Minhyun’s eyes, dark, wild, malicious, and filled with filthy illusions.</p><p> </p><p>“One day I’m gonna eat you out,” Minhyun says. “I want to see you squirm. You hear me?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re talking too much,” Aaron says to cover up the fact that his hips are stuttering from the promise in Minhyun’s words. “And not fucking me fast enough.”</p><p> </p><p>“Is this too slow for you?” Minhyun hisses, as he speeds up slightly. “Do you need more?”</p><p> </p><p>Aaron takes in a deep breath and says slowly, “If you don’t fuck me like the world is going to end tomorrow, I will never speak to you again.”</p><p> </p><p>And that’s all it takes for Minhyun to let his hips beat into Aaron’s with abandon. It’s all a mess of skin, sweat, and frustration as Minhyun ruthlessly pounds upward and pushes Aaron down on him. Aaron grips onto the vast expanse of Minhyun’s back and shoulders, the pain from his nails digging into flesh making Minhyun grit his teeth as he fucks even harder.</p><p> </p><p>“Minhyun,” Aaron breathes out. “I…I’m almost…”</p><p> </p><p>“Me too,” Minhyun grits out. “Me too.”</p><p> </p><p>When Aaron feels it, he doesn’t make a sound. He buries his face in Minhyun’s shoulders as it happens.</p><p> </p><p>“God, Aaron,” he hears Minhyun breathe through his own sloppy thrusting. “There’s no one like you, is there? There’s no one like you…”</p><p> </p><p>He feels himself fill up with the hot liquid of Minhyun’s release. Minhyun groans with every short spurt of liquid, making Aaron cling to him harder.</p><p> </p><p>He brings his hands up to find Aaron’s face and kisses him, their plush lips molding into one another.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re so perfect,” Minhyun whispers. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I really am. I’m really sorry…”</p><p> </p><p>Minhyun’s heart is beating wildly. Aaron kisses him, looking into his eyes as they pull away.</p><p> </p><p>Minhyun’s face holds nothing but a soft smile as he counts the stars in Aaron’s irises. “You were always beautiful to me,” he whispers.</p><p> </p><p>It makes Aaron want to cry, but he holds back. </p><p> </p><p>The weight of what just happened is setting in on him. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re still inside of me,” he whispers. “Get out.”</p><p> </p><p>Minhyun laughs softly and does so. For once, Aaron sees warmth in his eyes, like a crackling fireplace that has been properly tended.</p><p> </p><p>Nonetheless, Aaron doesn’t look at him as he finds a pack of tissues and wipes himself down. He does a quick and efficient job, before finding his jacket, bag, and pants. </p><p> </p><p>Minhyun isn’t moving. He’s just watching as Aaron puts on his clothing and shoulders his bag.</p><p> </p><p>Eventually, Aaron turns around to face Minhyun. </p><p> </p><p>Minhyun’s eyes are filled with something Aaron’s not familiar with seeing. A small smile graces his features as he leans against the wall and looks at him.</p><p> </p><p>When Aaron looks up, he meets Minhyun’s gaze.</p><p> </p><p>“Stay and talk to me?” he asks. When Aaron doesn’t respond, he asks, “Or at least let me walk you home?”</p><p> </p><p>“I have to go,” Aaron says. “I have class tomorrow and it’s 12 am.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’ll talk to me, right?” Minhyun almost begs. The look in his eyes is replaced by desperate hope. “I know I’ve been a shitty person, but you’ll give me a chance, right?”</p><p> </p><p>Their eyes search one another’s. </p><p> </p><p>Finally, Aaron smiles sadly. “See you soon, Hwang Minhyun.”</p><p> </p><p>With that, he walks out of the door, his bag shouldered and his heart in his hands. Only this time, his heart is protected by chains.</p><p> </p><p>When he gets out of hearing range from Minhyun, he begins to run. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. eight: “minhyun’s marathon” and “back at square one”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I read another Minron fanfic and in the fanfic Aaron asks Minhyun what crime he committed to be running away in such a frenzy and Minhyun replies “I followed my heart” Idk that phrase just really spoke to me. Why should it be a crime to follow your heart? I mean, I guess following your heart can sometimes come with a lot of repercussions. And it feels like a crime to do what WE want when we are so used to doing what other people want our entire lives.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Hwang Minhyun is a writer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There are often times in which he experiences writer’s block, even if he devotes his life and career to pen and paper.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But never, ever does he experience such writer’s block when he thinks of Aaron Kwak. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He remembers one day when he was sitting in the Forum trying to finish a paper, and he decided it’d be a good idea to take out his notebook and free write to get his brain working. When he looked up, it was 6 PM, the Forum was closing, and he’d wasted four hours sitting there writing love letters to Aaron Kwak in third person.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was this once instance,</span>
  <em>
    <span> Minhyun wrote, </span>
  </em>
  <span>in which he began to cry because he thought of something that he did during high school. Those tears were so deeply regretful that I couldn’t help but withdraw from the comfort of my own bed to embrace him in his. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He accepted my embrace but shrank away from it at the same time, almost like he felt like he was undeserving of such affection. It made me wonder what type of person he was before he left home. The next thing I knew, the sun was rising and he was still fast asleep in my arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At that moment, I was convinced that he was an angel.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There are endless amounts of people that Minhyun has detailed in his leather-bound notebooks. Endless people he has described, whether it’s simple observations or extensive analyses of their character. Aaron’s not a particularly complicated person. However, never in Minhyun’s life had he written so much.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s a shame that his parents never supported any of his major life decisions. Some of these decisions aren’t “decisions,” per say, but his parents are convinced otherwise. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The biggest decision he made was to follow his heart. His heart tells him that it wants to spill its contents into pen and paper, and that it would never be fulfilled if it is condemned to pin-striped suits, ties, contracts, and office buildings. It would never be fulfilled if it were imprisoned within meetings, phone calls, and business trips. It would never be fulfilled if he does what his parents want him to do.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The first semester in college was like a purgatory. It was not a light dream, but it didn’t feel like a nightmare either. Decisions were to be made, and people were to be disappointed, whether it be his parents or himself. He had to choose, and that was the scariest part.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He knew he had to choose soon. Every time he saw Aaron Kwak, they grew further and further apart, until the distance was unbearable. Minhyun longed to see him, to speak with him, to be with him, to touch him. It felt impossible to deal with how much he wanted to be in the presence of another. It was painful to see him feel so alienated.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Minhyun knew that he was at fault. However, there was no way he could speak to Aaron when he found it difficult to even look into his eyes. There was just too much shame and too much confusion within his own eyes that he felt like if he looked at Aaron for too long, Aaron might see the vulnerability through his pupils, and feel just how much Minhyun was struggling with himself. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Aaron and be sure that another person would become a part of his life when he couldn’t even figure out his own life was disappointing a lot of other people involved in it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Either way, he had to make a decision.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He made his decision one sleepless night next to the window, staring out at the starless sky. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He decided to live for himself. This life only happens once, and he can’t do it wrong. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The email was short.</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>Hello, Mother and Father.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Thank you for making me into the person I am today. Thank you for being patient with me. I am sorry I am not the son you wanted me to be, but I am not sorry for wanting to be who I am.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Minhyun.</b>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It was just like that. </span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>That was Minhyun from a week ago.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Present day Minhyun tears through the Columbia University campus, past fountains and flowers and passersby, who watch on curiously. He runs and runs until he spots Aaron Kwak in the middle of everything, clueless about what is about to happen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron’s back is turned. He is walking somewhere, seemingly towards his dorm. Minhyun hasn’t seen him for a week, and he’s not sure why. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Minhyun doesn’t know what he expects from Aaron. He just remembers Aaron slipping his bare body into his jacket emotionlessly. He remembers Aaron gathering his things like he was picking up the pieces of his own shattered heart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That’s what makes Minhyun realize that he broke Aaron’s heart. But for some reason, he continues to run. He continues to run. There’s still hope in his heart, despite everything he did.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(Real question: Does Minhyun really deserve to have hope in his heart? Probably not.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He runs until he’s standing right in front of Aaron, holding the smaller shoulders in his hands and looking Aaron in the eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aaron’s eyes are wide and frightened. He shrinks away from Minhyun, but Minhyun just pulls him in closer, chasing his eyes with his own.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then Aaron says what Minhyun dreads. With quivering lips and wide, frightened eyes, he says, “I’m not sure if I can do this.”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>ONE WEEK PRIOR TO MINHYUN’S MARATHON</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The emotional roller coaster that Aaron had been on these past few days has come to an end. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Despite the way that he tested the waters and tried to move out of his comfort zone, it seemed like that all amounted to nothing. Occasionally, people mentioned him on Twitter in tweets about the performance, making his phone beep, but he realized that he doesn’t want to respond to them. He didn’t want to remember anything about last night.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He was back in the dark cafe. The gas station outside was empty. A single car passed by, disrupting the silence, but it was gone in less than a second, returning the scene back to the equilibrium it was meant to be.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Aaron sat next to the window at the same rickety wooden table, his silhouette barely visible through the extremely poor lighting. He was basking in the silence and letting himself exist in time as a solid fragment of the universe. He wanted to remind himself that he can limit himself to that sometimes. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You think too much,</span>
  <em>
    <span> he told himself. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When his phone beeps again, it’s a text from Jonghyun.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Did you get home safe?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He stared at the message and suddenly realized that yesterday hadn’t been a dream after all, and that there was one thing he gained.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He slides the message open. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yes, I’m okay. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. nine: if you let your demons live inside you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so like if you guys could comment or kudos then it would be really encouraging :/</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What do you mean?” Minhyun breathes, desperately searching Aaron’s eyes for answers. “What do you mean by that?”</p><p> </p><p>Aaron doesn’t respond. The campus around them seems like it doesn’t exist. At this moment, it’s just the two of them.</p><p> </p><p>(Nearby, two girls walking to class happen to witness the strange scenario play out in front of them.)</p><p> </p><p>(“Oh, what is this drama?” says the first girl, pushing her gold-wired glasses up her nose. “Looks like some shit straight out of a crappy rom com.”)</p><p> </p><p>(“Oh, bummer,” says the second girl, pursing her lips and clutching her books to her chest in a slightly dejected manner, “That guy was kind of cute.”)</p><p> </p><p>(It is unclear which guy she is referring to, and our two main characters are unaware of this small exchange, as they are too caught up in their own situation.)</p><p> </p><p>“I promised we would talk, remember?” Minhyun says.</p><p> </p><p>Almond eyes search wide brown ones, before Aaron says, “I have class right now.”</p><p> </p><p>“But I promised I would talk to you! Don’t you want me to explain what’s been happening?” Minhyun cries, frustrated.</p><p> </p><p>“I have class,” Aaron says again, this time agitated. “I do want you to explain, but you have to understand something before we do this.”</p><p> </p><p>Minhyun swallows. “Yes. What is it?”</p><p> </p><p>Aaron takes a deep, shaky breath, before saying, “You’re not entitled to my time. I have decided that I will let you explain. But one thing that upsetted me was that you randomly showed up in front of me and expected me to be emotionally available enough to let another person into my life.”</p><p> </p><p>Minhyun doesn’t say anything. He simply swallows, and his grip on Aaron loosens as the smaller speaks. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not just something you can toss away and pick up again whenever you want. I didn’t want to speak to you originally because I felt that you didn’t show me a level of respect that I deserved as a person. You know—” he pauses for a second to sigh sharply, “—I was really sad before and I felt like I did something wrong and that you didn’t speak to me because I didn’t deserve any of your time. It’s hard to admit this to your face, but this is the way you made me feel and it’s taken me some time…”</p><p> </p><p>His throat closes up, and two tears escape his eyes as he cries. He hates himself for crying, for showing weakness in front of this man who’s made him suffer. He watches Minhyun shaking his head desperately and mouthing the words, <em> no, no, no, </em> and wiping his tears away as if the world is going to end if he doesn’t object immediately to what Aaron is saying. “Let me finish,” Aaron says, taking a deep breath. “I’ve realized now that I don’t deserve to be treated this way. However, I’ve also decided I would let you explain yourself because I truly don’t know your side of the story. I don’t know what absurd situation would have made you ghost me for months, but I’m giving you the chance to tell me about it.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m honestly not expecting much,” he continues, and another tear slips out (Minhyun wipes it away almost immediately), “but I’m going to let you explain.”</p><p> </p><p>He is met with desperate nodding, and two palms cupping his face once more. “Stop doing that,” Aaron whispers. Despite the quiet tone, it makes Minhyun drop his hands and move back.</p><p> </p><p>“Just because I’m letting you speak to me doesn’t mean that I’m letting you coddle me and touch me,” Aaron says, his words taking a harsh turn. “We haven’t spoken yet, much less established who we are to one another.” </p><p> </p><p>Minhyun nods slowly and swallows. “I meant earlier, you know, that you deserve an explanation, not that I was entitled to giving you one. I just…” he trails off and purses his lips in pain. “When can I talk to you?”</p><p> </p><p>Aaron musters a smile through his now-gone tears. “Tonight,” he says. “I have an essay to do so I’ll be in my dorm.”</p><p> </p><p>Minhyun nods slowly. There’s something in his gaze; it feels like longing and hope, and for once, Aaron hates to admit it, but he finally feels fulfilled knowing that Minhyun longs for him in the same way that Aaron did.</p><p> </p><p>Just as Aaron turns to leave, Minhyun whispers, “Wait…”</p><p> </p><p>Aaron stops and turns to look at Minhyun.</p><p> </p><p>“You felt it too, right?” Minhyun says. “Sometimes it feels like none of that was real. Sometimes it feels like I dreamed it.”</p><p> </p><p>He pauses, before saying, “You wanted me as much as I wanted you?”</p><p> </p><p>The question seems to hang in the air like fairy lights. It’s a sentimental and innocent question, yet it seems so fragile at the same time. </p><p> </p><p>The smile that graces Aaron’s lips is faint, but nonetheless there. “Yeah, I do.”</p><p> </p><p>Those three words seem to reassure Minhyun as Aaron turns and walks away to his next class. Even though Aaron never looks back, he still feels Minhyun’s eyes on him as he walks to class. It’s a little reassuring. Maybe, just maybe, this will turn into something good.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You know, people said you were really good,” Jonghyun told Aaron over shake shack fries and burgers the day after the performance. “Why don’t you wanna dance more?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I just don’t have the energy to do this often,” Aaron said, picking up a single fry and analyzing it. “Of course dancing was fun, but it was so draining to do that in front of so many people. I feel tired a lot, and I don’t need to feel even more tired.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Why is it that you feel tired?” Jonghyun asked, curiously, before finishing the last bite of his shroom burger.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Aaron shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess doing work and thinking about the near future is really draining, you know? Like I get demotivated and feel like shit after some time.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Jonghyun looked at him curiously. “So you get tired just thinking of certain things?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You don’t?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I mean, I get bored but I never get physically tired,” Jonghyun said.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “So you don’t get burnt out?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “What I’m describing is burnout. What you’re describing is something else.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Oh.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> There’s some silence, before Aaron said, “What does this mean?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “It doesn’t have to mean anything. But hyung…” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Yeah?”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Remember you’re allowed to rest.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Aaron looked at Jonghyun. Jonghyun’s emotions were always expressed through silence. It just depended on the type of silence. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I will,” he said, repressed words and tears forming a small pit in his stomach. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> When they walked back to campus, Aaron told Jonghyun about Minhyun. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “So he just… didn’t speak to you after that?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Yeah. I mean, there were occasional staring contests in the hallway because we live in the same dormitory. But yeah, he didn’t speak to me after. He just pretended like I didn’t exist.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Jonghyun was silent, but there was something uneasy about him. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Finally he said, “I’m sure you know your self-worth, hyung, but you don’t deserve to be treated like that. You spoke as if there was something you did wrong that caused him to not speak to you. You didn’t do anything wrong. He just has problems, and you shouldn’t blame yourself for his actions.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Aaron didn’t say anything as they continued walking. Jonghyun took that as a cue to continue speaking. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You deserve the world, hyung. I’m glad I met you, and I will always be thankful to have you in my life.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> And that was when Aaron broke down in tears. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Present day Aaron’s shoulders are square as he hears a knock on the door. </p><p> </p><p>When he opens the door, Hwang Minhyun is standing in the doorway.</p><p> </p><p>“Can I come in?” He says, fiddling with his fingers nervously.</p><p> </p><p>Aaron thinks. If he lets Minhyun come in, it’s a risk. There’s the risk that Minhyun can take his heart and shatter it into pieces again. But there’s also a chance that this will be the best decision of his life.</p><p> </p><p>Life is all about risks, and he realizes that if you let your demons live inside you, then you’ll never live life to the fullest. You’ll never become the person you want to be.</p><p> </p><p>So he says, “Yeah, come in.”</p>
  </div></div>
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